I’m climbing on my SoapBox. Where’s my stepladder?

by Pumpkin S. Parker on February 5, 2012

I’m obsessed with Advertising, particularly taglines.  For those of you without professional marketing experience, a tagline is a few catchy words that tell a customer something about your business or product, particularly your Mission.  The pinnacle of tagline success is when it becomes part of popular culture.  A few of my personal favorites:

  • Where’s the beef?
  • I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!
  • Just Do It
  • Time to make the doughnuts
  • Magically Delicious

Today, I’ve taken it upon myself to create taglines for the Transportation Security Administration, a.k.a. the TSA.  I feel qualified as: 1) I am a professional Marketer, 2) because I travel so much, I have an intimate knowledge of their inner-workings, and because 3) the pat-downs have given them an intimate knowledge of my inner-workings…

I’ve got a few that are too long, but I think with time I could hone them into a razor sharp point that really captures the essence of the TSA’s Mission.  Here’s a few of my early ideas:

Transportation Security Administration

  • No increase in protection, but we have matching uniforms.
  • Delaying and degrading the travelling masses without a smile
  • We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t tell if there’s a bomb in your shoe unless it’s off your foot.
  • In ten years, we’ll figure out these machines cause cancer, but for now… arms over your head.
  • 99% of us are on break.
  • Customer Service is not our priority.
  • Why, yes, we do have a foot fetish!
  • We do not try harder.
  • We’re the Government. Deal with it.
  • Complainers get a private screening.
  • We definitely do inappropriate things to your toothbrush.
  • Putting everyone at risk for plantar warts since 2001
  • We collect lighters
  • Embrace the irradiation!
  • Your colostomy bag could be a dirty bomb.  We have to check.

Here are my favorite creations:

 Transportation Security Administration

  • Don’t you feel safer after we frisked grandma?
  • Creating chaos without value since 2001
  • We make things Safer.  Well, kinda.
  • Making the DMV look efficient .
  • Fourth Amendment, Shmourth Amendment.

As you can see I’m not a fan of the TSA. Particularly because I’m not a fan of pointless wastes of time for no good reason.  There’s not one iota of actual increased protection for all these machinations.  So, it bothers me because I find Time to be a precious commodity.

Second, it’s an invasion of my Rights as an American.  I AM PROTECTED BY THE BILL OF RIGHTS IN THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNISTED STATES OF AMERICA against unreasonable search and seizure in my home and in every other public place in the country.  However, showing up at airport somehow neutralizes these protections.

Beyond that small fact, I’ve been robbed by the TSA.  A camera with three months’ worth of digital pictures of events, friends, and one family Christmas was taken from my bag.  I called the airline who blamed the TSA.  I called the TSA who blamed the airline.  If you force me to check my bag because I have more toiletries than a tube of toothpaste AND you won’t let me lock it, I think you should be responsible for keeping the contents from running out the backdoor.

And I have a friend who carries his toothbrush in his briefcase because he is sure the TSA is (and this is a direct quote), “they would scrub their undercarriage with it at every opportunity.”  Jinkies.  The thought of it…

I checked the internet for some stories that will blow your mind (if you haven’t had your mind blown by a personal interaction with this fine, efficient organization that wasting our precious tax dollars).







I think Ron Paul is as crazy as a shithouse rat.  But, I’m siding with him on this issue.  We are on a slippery slope toward a police state.

And do not get me started on the National Defense Authorization Act- a bill that covers defense spending (fine, that boob that runs Iran is crazy) BUT also allows the detention of any terror suspect indefinitely, including American citizens, without trial.   Not the America the Forefathers envisioned.


I should join the ACLU, or contribute the Ron Paul fund, or stage sit-ins at LaGuardia.  But I’m a typical American.  There’s a shoe sale at Macy’s today….



{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Gw February 6, 2012 at 11:23 PM

You still make me laugh!


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