Possible reasons why I haven’t written in 6 months:
- I was mauled by a pack of wild canines in Central Park and have been recovering in a charity hospital run by The Sisters of Mercy in Yonkers.
- Channing Tatum saw me in a coffee shop in The Village, instantly fell madly in love with me, divorced his greyhound-looking wife, and we’ve been making love in a private villa in Bora Bora three times daily for months. I was too bow-legged to type.
- Ok, that was a lie. It was Ryan Gosling.
- I accidentally super-glued my nipple tassels on, then got one caught in a piece of machinery while I was manufacturing widgets. That shit hurt.
- I was marooned on a desert island (Wiiiiilllllllssssssooooonnnnn!) and had to use my laptop as a raft and a palm frond as an oar to paddle to civilization. The trip took a few months and the Compaq HP just recently recovered from the damage brought on by that wicked Pacific Ocean.
- The dog ate my homework.
Actually, my hands got full with Regular Life. A few major changes- big move, new apartment, new job, dating and then not dating… But, I’m back in The Groove! Much to the joy of my (three) supporters! So, I figured I’d start with shit I am grateful for. So very Thanksgiving-esque…
1) I have a roof over my head and a full belly. Every day. Sometimes too full, but I got a thing for cans of fried onions. Whole cans.
2) Black out curtains in my bedroom. My mother refers to me as “The Mushroom” because I like darkness more than light. Sweet, sweet night. 24/7. Damn, I love those curtains.
3) TV documentaries. If it weren’t for National Geographic, The History Channel, Nova, and Investigation Discovery, I would be lost. Lost and much dumber than I am now. I know some shit, people. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. Take that.
4) I have a pretty optimistic outlook on life, which I did not inherit, but, rather, built. Insert jazz hands here.
5) I’ve got a rescue cat that is such good company. She listens to me pontificate on whether or not I should be a Libertarian, watches me dance like MC Hammer in the kitchen (sometimes it just IS Too Legit to Quit), and walk around looking completely unacceptable for public viewing… and she never judges. Well, perhaps she does, but she doesn’t speak English and I don’t speak Siamese, so we’re just co-habitating in blissful ignorance.
6) I have enough pain and distress in my life to keep me grateful and sweet (and give me funny stories), but not enough to kill my spirit. Please remind me to tell you the story about the time I completely shat myself in a Best Buy parking lot. Not so savory at the time, but a hilarious story. Hilarious.
7) I live alone. And I love it. A lotta of people spend time feeling sorry for me because they think I’m lonely. Save your pity (and please do stick it straight up your arse sideways). I love my own company. And I never have to shave my legs, no one can divorce me, I can pluck chin hair or clip my toenails anywhere and anytime I want, I can decorate without consideration of leather recliners, neon signage, or any sports prints or paraphernalia, and ESPN has never graced the screen of my television.
8) Cat pheromones and tin foil. I wish this had a sexier explanation for this one, but it is currently keeping the cat from using my leather ottoman as a loo.
9) My on-the-spot phone charger. I perpetually forget to charge my phone and, thus, it is always on 10% battery life. Perpetually. This little jobby saves my bacon. Almost every day. I loves it.
10) Words. I have loved words since God was a Boy. Words are so awesome. Platitude. Frisson. Courtesan. Snollygoster. Merkin. Zaftig. Scintillate. Hooligan. Doppelganger. Chicanery. Juggernaut. Shenanigans. Mobius. Succubus. Grimalkin. Zephyr. P.S. Eskimos have 100 words for snow. This is so awesome, I feel faint. Words give me the vapors.
11) My friends. I have such awesome, generous, cheerful, interesting, smart friends. They are truly amazing. Even though I hate talking on the phone, and I’m a complete shit-show most days.
12) My family. They are crazy enough to make me crazy, but they are loving and loveable. And, even though I consider the possibility from time to time, I would never trade them in for a different set.
13) My country. I love that a those Yosemite Sam-esque Texans can apply for secession without bringing on a government police state, that people can object to other’s politics and still be friends, that we are a nation together and essentially free to pursue happiness as we see fit. Sometimes I pursue it with Twinkies and Xanax and that is A-ok.
14) Martin Sheen. I fucking love that guy.
15) Humor. Can’t get through life without finding it funny… even if you sometimes have to plumb for it. For instance, there is a cheese called “Stinking Bishop.” I don’t even have to plumb for the funny on that one. And the pope’s hat. Makes me laugh every time I see it.
16) Cold weather. No Floridian will ever know the joy of the first day when it’s warm enough to not wear a jacket after months and months of gray days and bone-chilling wind. The gratitude and joy that is felt on that first day… or on a gorgeous late Fall day when you get one last sun-filled 55-degree day. .. is palpable. JOY!!!
17) Salt. I need say no more… but I will. I have a salt lick in my backyard, but it’s for me, not the deer.
18) Channing Tatum. Lord, have mercy, that man makes me sweat. I tried to vote for him for President because I am sure he was our only chance for solving the national debt. Put that guy, shirtless in leather chaps, on the White House lawn, dancing to “Pony” and women will come from far and wide to throw dollar bills at his ever-so-finely-chiseled abs. A simple, expedient way for debt resolution. And basically our only chance with our current government.
19) Lipstick. I look like an unbelievable hag without it… uh, sorry, coworkers. If I were on a desert island, one of my three choice possessions would be lipstick. The other two would be Advil and cake.
20) Chuck Norris jokes. If you type in “find Chuck Norris” on Google, it responds “Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.” Chuck Norris can catch the gingerbread man. Guns take shooting lessons from Chuck Norris. Hearts have Chuck Norris attacks. Amuses me. So amuses me.
21) Random things I’m grateful for: commas, red shoes, pot roast, the Tv show “Hoarders,” the word “fuckwit,” dog booties, bacon, the phrases “Crazy with a Capital F” and “Bluffin with my Muffin,” referring to men’s underwear as ”grape smugglers,” any and all doughnuts.
My love to you and have a happy, coma-inducing Thanksgiving! I will be with my divorced parents and my mother’s husband, teaching Pad and iPhone 5 classes. These fools have to have the latest gadgets and barely know how to text. Oy.